However, after going through major surgery, I can assure you that nothing screams “Singleness stinks!” than not knowing who is going to take care of you when you literally cannot take care of yourself.

Singleness is tough in other ways, too. For example, there are first dates. Which are just plain awkward. And y’all know my discomfort of the inevitable DTRs.

Which brings me (sort-of) to the point of this post: Have you ever noticed that there is a fine line between being pursued and being stalked?

Perhaps an example will help.

If a guy you like gives you flowers or leaves sweet notes on your car in the mornings, it is endearing.

If a guy you do not like gives you flowers or leaves sweet notes on your car in the mornings, it is stalking.

See what I mean?

Fine line.

You’re either completely flattered or totally freaked out.

Today, I find myself – not being pursued by a guy (sadly) – but being pursued by God.

It started out endearing. (Doesn’t it always?) But now it’s just ridiculous.

After Wednesday’s God nod to just stay the course, I was speechless and in awe. It was so sweet for God to speak to me so specifically.

I even found it endearing on Thursday when my friends’ suggestions about what to say to someone left me unsettled, and God reminded me through Frances Chan’s book Forgotten God that “the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what needs to be said” and “don’t worry in advance about what to say. Just say what God tells you at the time, for it is not you who will be speaking, but the Holy Spirit (Luke 12:12; Mark 13:11).”

However, things started to get a bit awkward when I was mourning my behavior at the grocery store on Friday where I might have growled at one of the many Grace Stretchers I encountered. I didn’t expect such a prompt answer from God when I prayed for Him to change my heart full of judgment to one full of compassion. But lo and behold that’s what I got when my bible study dealt with that very issue complete with a lovely promise from Ezekiel: “I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh” (v. 17:19).

Feelings of endearment started to fade into discomfort on Saturday when I found myself envious of the way William Wallace looked at Murron in Braveheart, and moments later, I read a story about someone’s romanticization being interrupted by a not-so-glamourous request from her hubs. God’s lesson to her was the same to me: get caught up in the regular moments of life not in the ones that don’t exist.

Which brings us to the all-out stalking of today.

I shared some hard feelings with God this morning on the way to work. And frankly, I didn’t want to hear about his love, kindness, faithfulness, hope and forgiveness. In fact, I am doubting those very things, and I am perfectly okay with that. It is just one of those days where I want to pout because I’m not getting my way.

But God…well, God is still pursuing me. He is everywhere that I go. And it is starting to feel less endearing and more like stalking.

I said, “This is impossible. I want to give up” and found this staring me in the face.

Did you notice the date? God left it for me months ago on the desk of a lady I only met today.  (Don’t you just love that God is sovereign even over someone flipping a calendar page?)

I prayed: “I want to know that You do, indeed, reward those who earnestly seek you,” and I stumbled across this on the internet while doing unrelated research:

I don’t know Linda, but I appreciate her thoughts from September 4, 2008. Even if I am a little creeped out by them.

I pleaded with God: “Do something! I don’t feel like you are doing anything!” and was met with my internet home page:

So, you can imagine my utter and totally surrender that the stalking would not stop when I cried out: “I need your help. Will you not come to my rescue?” and God shouted Psalm 121 from the pages of my bible study:

I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!

I’m wondering if this is what David felt like when he penned the words:

“I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there” (Psalm 139:7-8).

Indeed, David. Indeed.

I’ve deviated from my usual routine for two reasons: it is a beautiful day outside and my car needed to be washed before I head to the beach tomorrow.

You might wonder why I chose to wash my car before heading to the beach, and I have one word for you: pride. I was just too ashamed for my friend, Lil, to see the dog hair and dirt that has accumulated from having a very rambunctious lab who lives to be in some sort of wet medium which hopefully is a nearby lake but is often a mud puddle.

As my car is being washed, I thought I’d catch up on some bible study. Me and the peeps are wrapping up the last couple of weeks of Kelly Minter’s study No Other Gods. I’m kind of weary of waiting for God on a particular issue right now that, frankly, just seems impossible.

Focusing on my bible study, Kelly begins to recount a football game she went to recently. She convinced her friend to leave the game early because it was apparent from the score that their team was going to lose. As they left the stands she remarked about how silly the fans were in the stadium for holding out hope that they could make a comeback.

I’m sure you can see where this is going, but for the record…

When she got home later that night, she was met with “You’ll never believed what happened!” Turns out…her team ended up making a comeback and winning the game.

She writes: “And only crazy committed fans whom I pitied on the way out got to enjoy it. They were loyal and unflinching in their dedication. But mostly, they just stayed.”

So that was God’s message to me. Just stay the course, Nikol.  Just stay.

Coincidentally, a lyric from a song playing over the speakers caught my attention in a jaw-dropping way:

Just don’t give up
I’m working it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down…

Wow! I live for clear God-moments like this. I shall weep now.

What I noticed was a shift in perspective in what constitutes a problem.

Now, before I continue, let me say that I realize this isn’t rocket science. I am certainly not the first person to observe this phenomenon. But go with me back in time for a second, and let’s look at what used to qualify as a problem in your world.

• Someone removing your pacifier left you wailing and sobbing.
• Not getting candy at the grocery store justified flailing on the ground and squealing at the top of your lungs.
• Breaking up with your first love, not fitting in, or having a zit on school picture day was a fate worse than death.
• The thought of not being accepted into the right college broke you out in hives as you contemplated the disaster your life would inevitability become.

Sadly, I wish I could say that over exaggerating life’s hiccups end when we cross over into our twenties, or even into our thirties, but sadly it does not – at least for me. I definitely have areas of concern that can (and often do) send me into the outer limits of anxiety, fear or despair.

But when I look back at the struggles of my youth, I cannot help but chuckle at the absurdity of the problems, and yet, I remember them feeling so real…so important…so monumental. And it’s left me wondering…

If God’s ways are not my ways, and God’s thoughts are not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8) are my problems even problems at all?

Does God have the same type of perspective on my “adult” problem that I do on the little girl sniffling because her best friend hurt her feelings?

I’m also wondering what problem are you facing today. As a child of God, you have access to Almighty God (Eph. 2:18). Nothing is too hard for Him (Jer. 32:17)! Go boldly into His Presence (Heb. 4:16) asking Him – not only for his resources – but for His perspective as well.

Tonight, I’ll remember the last supper by going to a Maundy Thursday service followed by a small dinner with my friends.  I will enjoy their fellowship, share some inevitable laughs, and celebrate new beginnings with them. 

And in the process, I’ll remember Jesus sitting at a table with His fellowship of brothers telling them of the new beginning that lay ahead.  And I will rejoice that one of those brothers would betray Him and another would deny Him. 

I will rejoice because I have been them. 

And so have you. 

And yet, there is redemption.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  -Romans 5:8

I hate to wish the year away, but I find myself doing it almost on a daily basis.  Case in point:  I thought it would be fun to have an Adios 1st Quarter 2012 party.

My friends did too.

But regardless of how much I want to fight with 2012, the fact of the matter is that God has blessings in store for me through the fits and frustrations.  And that fact is what brings me to our Music Monday for today.

Blessings

By Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet Love us way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trails of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can’t satisfy?

And what if the trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

After spending 6 hours in the ER, I was grateful for my new – and much more comfortable – bed, but my lower back ached. I wanted desperately to sleep on my side. However, turning to the left would tug at the IV line, and turning to the right caused the IV machine to protest with a series of beeps. So, I ended up in some crazy half-flat, half-right tilt. It was no wonder I couldn’t sleep!

I felt my lower back relax a bit as I listened to the oddly soothing sounds of the IV machine.

“I am here with you,” said a voice deep in my soul.
“Where?” I whispered.
“To your left,” I heard Him say.

I slowly turned my head and shifted my gaze to the left hoping to see the image of my Savior beside me, but my eyes only found a large window with the blinds tightly drawn. I sighed and drifted off to sleep.

My mom stirred as the sunlight filtered in through the shades. I opened my eyes to see her standing by the window with a cup of coffee cradled in her hand.

She reached out and opened the blinds that had blocked my vision the night before. And to my surprise, there – just outside the window on my left – was a cross.

“I am here with you” came the words.
“Where?” I whispered.
“To your left,” I heard Him say.

And indeed, He was.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

And…well…this is awkward.

Please forgive me for my absence. I have a really, really good excuse.

I wish I could say that I’ve been busy hammering out a new bible study or something that might be equally impressive. However, I have been at home recuperating from some unexpected surgery.

Things are all good now. The recovery process just took painfully longer than I expected. To be honest, the whole experience has been rather traumatizing on many levels and has left me somewhat speechless. (Who ever thought I’d say those words? Not me.)

While I’ve had a couple of crushing disappointments and some frightening realizations over the past three weeks, I have also experienced tremendous blessings that shined light on how awesome God is and how He takes care of us: moment by moment; step by step.

I won’t go into all those things now, but I do hope that as I process them, you will allow me to share some with you. For now, I simply wanted to reach out, say ”HI” and remind you that God loves you and takes care of you in ways you never know or can comprehend.

So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. (Matthew 6:31-32)

Not only have I been blue, but I’ve been incredibly anxious. I wake up almost every single morning nauseas and dreadful of what the day might bring. Nothing seems to satisfy me or ease my discontent. I have no energy. No appetite. I have waves of anxiety for no reason at all. It’s baffling, uncomfortable and almost paralyzing. I just want to feel normal again.

Or at least that is what I thought I wanted.

Now…I’m not quite so sure.

You see, I’ve been fascinated with the Holy Spirit, lately. I’ve been praying for God to fill me up with His Spirit, to teach me about who He is, and how He works. We know so little about Him, and yet He is predominately how the God-head interacts with us today. Does that seem ironic to anyone but me?

In my search to know the seemingly enigmatic Holy Spirit, I stumbled across a collection of sermons by A.W. Tozer aptly titled Mystery of the Holy Spirit and this sentence caught my attention:

“I am not sure anyone was ever filled with the Spirit without first having a time of disturbance and anxiety.”

Come again, A.W. What was that?

“…before [the Holy Spirit] can fill us, there must be a disturbance and an anxiety. Adam has to die.”

Think about this with me for a second.

Let’s say you have a box full of junk, but you want to make it a box full of treasures. In order to make it a box full of treasures, you have to empty the box of the junk. Right? You have to pour out the contents of the box in order to fill it with the things that are valuable.

It is the same with the Holy Spirit!

We cannot be filled by the Holy Spirit until we are empty of our self and of the things of this world: the junk.

Wait! There is more.

When God turns our boxes upside down to empty us out, our internal self screams in discomfort creating feelings of anxiety and distress. Y’all! This could change my life!

Eventually, the box has to run out of junk, right? Eventually, those feelings of anxiety and despair will disappear when the box is turned right side up. And then look what happens! We get filled with the treasure of the Holy Spirit!

“But when you reach that place of despair, when nobody can help you; when you’ve gone to the last person, you’ve written the last editor, and followed the last evangelist around, and hunted up the last fellow to counsel with him, and when nobody can help you any more you’re in a state of inward despair; that’s when you should never despair, because you’re near the kingdom. That is getting close, getting near the place where God can do something for you.”

Do you see it? Oh, please tell me that you see it!

We try so hard in our society to be comfortable, to not feel pain, to not hurt or be anxious. We seek counsel in anything – and from anyone – but God.

We talk to friends,
surf the internet,
distract ourselves with more and more activities.

We pop pills,
or drink another glass of wine,
or work longer hours.

We numb ourselves with the television,
or quit our jobs,
or move on to another relationship.

But what would happen if we welcomed the pain? What would happen if we embraced the opportunity to be emptied of the junk so that God could fill us with His Treasure?

Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. – John 4:23

What does God require of us when we worship Him? John 4:23 says that the Father seeks worshipers that worship Him in spirit and in truth. Those believers are the people that He seeks out!

Oh, how I want to be sought out by God!

Worshiping God can happen at any time in any place with or without music. There are times when the sweetest, most honest, God worshipping time that we can offer our Savior is alone. When the beat is nothing more than the rhythm of our own hearts in sync with His. When the strum of a grateful soul gives Him greater pause that the chord on a guitar. When our thoughts wonder at:

His beauty and His grace;
His mercy and His faithfulness;
Him might and His power;
His works and His wonders.

But…

sometimes a song helps.

I Wonder

by Leeland

At the stars in the night, I wonder.
At Your lightning in the sky, I shudder.
Your glory is a blanket that covers every living thing.
And it feels like there’s not enough praise inside of me.
With all these words all my heart can sing in holy.
You are holy.

Jesus Christ
You bled Your love
Laid down Yourself
And gave me life
In naked shame You hung
And You were lifted high.
So, here I lay in awe and wonder.
I am afraid
for no one’s ever sacrificed and loved me this way.
So, on my face I fall under Your heavy grace.
Here I lay in awe and wonder.
Oh, and I wonder.

I’m in awe at the majesty of who you are
Your love is a seal burnt inside my heart
And all of the day I want to be where You are

And it feels like there’s not enough praise inside of me.
With all these words all my heart can sing in holy.
You are holy.

Jesus Christ
You bled Your love
Laid down Yourself
And gave me life
In naked shame You hung
And You were lifted high.
So, here I lay in awe and wonder.
I am afraid
for no one’s ever sacrificed and loved me this way.
So, on my face I fall under Your heavy grace.
Here I lay in awe and wonder.
Oh, and I wonder.

For those of you wondering, the conference was a success by mine and Jamie’s standards. No one took a tumble down the stairs. There were no wardrobe malfunctions. No one threw her bible on the ground and went stomping out of the room.

It was good.

And I am blessed and humbled not only by the sweet comments we received but that God would choose to use me at all.

Last week, however, was a bit more of a roller coaster than I expected as I shifted gears to go back to work. Remember those cartoon characters who would run full force into a cement wall and then slowly slide flat-faced to the ground? That was me last week! But all is well. God gave me a few surprises to keep me motivated.

Speaking of surprises, let’s get to the point of the post.

Yesterday, I went to buy Ellie (my adorable, sweet and TEETHING labrador retriever) some chew toys at the local pet store. I chatted for a few minutes with the lady behind the counter as she rang up my items.

It was a normal transaction by every definition of the word. I slid my debit card through the thingy, entered my PIN, and waited to be “approved” by my bank. (By the way, does anyone else want to scream “I’m approved! I’m approved! I’m approved!” every time you go through a checkout lane? Nah, it’s probably just me.)

Anyway, while I was waiting to be “approved,” I looked up, smiled at the lady and then things started to get weird. Out of NOWHERE, y’all, this large rat came crawling out from under her hair and onto her shoulder!!! Ummmm. Ewww!

Realizing that I was in a pet store, I decided to play it cool and said, “Oh, you have a cute hamster on your collar. I wasn’t expecting that, but it’s cool” or something equally as lame and headed out the door.

My spiritual lesson for today? Expect the unexpected. God loves to surprise us.

He surprised…
Abraham and Sarah with a baby;
Moses with a burning bush;
Jacob and Daniel with angels;
Elijah with bread and water;
and the disciples with an empty tomb.

And he can certainly surprise you.