Discovering True Intimacy with Our Savior

No Fear In Love

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“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love (1 Jn 4:18, NLT).”

I’ve struggled with fear throughout my life.  I was a fearful child…a timid teenager…a shy young adult.

In my late 20s/early 30s there was a paradigm shift when God taught me that fear is what satan uses to control us.  He also taught me how to use this weapon, my enemy so quickly deploys, to my advantage.

So, for years, when I sense fear rising up inside me I go to God with it, and 9.9 times out of 10, overcoming that fear is what needs to be done.  It’s like fear is an invisible force field separating me from God’s goodness. It always seems to be impenetrable until I take a step of faith.

Lately, this verse keeps showing up in various translations, but the New Living Translation did me in.

“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love (1 Jn 4:18).

That last part: it makes me uncomfortable, and I can feel an unknown brokenness stir.  Why?

Because I am afraid.  But of what?

I’ve come up with all kinds of things.

I’m afraid my marriage will never be reconciled…Afraid I’ll never have a family again.
I’m afraid I’m too much…and I’m afraid I’m not enough.
I’m afraid to move forward…and I’m afraid to be still.
I’m afraid of making bad decisions…and afraid of not making decisions at all.
I’m afraid of not having a home…of losing my job…of the future…
I’m afraid God will take away all the good things in my life…and I’m afraid of trusting Him in my most vulnerable places.
I’m afraid I’m not praying enough…and I’m afraid God doesn’t really give us the desires of our heart.
I’m afraid God isn’t real…and I’m afraid the rug will get yanked out from underneath me again.
I’m afraid.

Despite my laundry list of things I think I’m afraid of, God tells me very clearly in 1 John 4:18 the root of my fear.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love (1 Jn 4:18, NLT)

Do you see it?

The root of my fear is being punished.

I don’t even have to spend a whole lot of time trying to figure out why I fear punishment because it is right there…

I fear punishment because I have not fully experienced God’s perfect love.

How do I know this?

Because if I had experienced God’s perfect love, I wouldn’t be afraid.

It haunts me, this idea that I’m afraid God is looking for ways to punish me. This fear resides in the deepest caverns of my spirit. It is the subtle lie my enemy has whispered for so long it has seeped into the capillaries of my heart.  It’s how my spiritual spectacles are broken.

What a glorious gift of God’s grace to reveal how I’m broken…and really, how we’re all broken if we’re struggling with fearfulness. And what a wonderful mercy to know there is a cure:  experiencing God’s perfect love.

So, I pray…

Oh, Lord, show me Your perfect love that drives out fear…So my roots can grow down into Your love and keep me strong.  May I have the power to understand, as all God’ s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep Your love is.  May I experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to fully understand.  Then, I will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from You”(Eph 3:17-19).

How have you’ve experienced God’s perfect love? How has His love driven out fear in your life? As a side note, this is not a rhetorical question.  So, please share in the comments, or in an email, or via Facebook.  I want to hear the story God wrote and is writing for you.

Where Winter Lingers

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She drove a long way to enjoy God’s grandeur. There is something spiritual about staring at the massive mountains He carved by cupping the stone together in His palms and the winding valleys He swept out with a finger.

You can imagine her disappointment as she settled in that morning only to be greeted by a wall of clouds.

“They’re blocking my view,” she thought.

She sat in silence until the Whisperer came:

“Sometimes,” He said, “I have to block the view of what’s ahead, so you will focus on what is in front of you. There are blessings for you in the present. Now. Looker closer. What do you see?”

She examined the landscape nearby unimpressed by its brown and muted colors.  He knew it was a stark contrast from where she came. There, the trees were starting to fill out, and the flowers were blooming. Spring had already sprung.

Yet, Spring seemed far away in this place.  All she could see was dead grass, barren bushes, and bare trees.

“Spring isn’t in this place, because it isn’t time,” the Whisperer whispered. “Where you live it is warmer, and the sun shines brighter, but the edges of Winter linger here. If the trees were to get their leaves and the flowers their blooms, they wouldn’t be able to withstand the harshness.  The beauty would be fleeting.  You see, My timing is perfect and considers all things.”

Humbled by Wisdom, she cried, as she pictured the far away dreams she wanted so desperately. Just as God waits to resurrect the flowers in Spring, so He restores only when the environment can support the beauty He has planned.

She sat again amidst the silence.

The Whisperer waved His hand and, suddenly, four white-tail deer bounded down the steep slope beneath her. She gasped at their beauty and grace.

A smile crept across the Whispers face, “Had you been looking at the horizon, you would’ve missed them.”

 

Fifty-Two Days

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The divorce was final on February 15, 2018. We didn’t even make it to our second anniversary.

There were great days…and good days…and regular days in the 719 we were married, but those seemed to be marred by the hard days. The days when I felt like I was playing catch up trying to figure out…

What was going on…
What went wrong…
What I was doing wrong…
And what was happening?

The 18 months prior to our wedding day were the absolute happiest and most joyful of my life.  I’d venture to say they were his as well.  You see…

I’d prayed for this man for as long as I could remember.
I’d waited for him.

And suddenly, there he was. And I loved him almost instantly.  I know it was good, and right, and perfect for us to marry. I’ve never doubted it. Ever.  Even on the darkest of days.

And I loved being married to him even when it was hard.

Marriage taught me many things. It revealed my flaws, my brokenness, my fears, my hurts, and my weaknesses.   It was ugly.

It taught me how destructive unforgiveness can be: how it creates a cancer of bitterness so deep and wide the fruit is poisonous and words are venomous.

It taught me if your glasses are broken and scratched by the world – you misinterpret things. The more broken your glasses, the more misconstrued your reality.

It taught me we are all broken…
We all need grace…
We all need forgiveness…
And if we have received grace and forgiveness from God, we must give it out as He does: freely.

God taught me there is a spiritual war all around me.
He taught me my spouse was not the enemy. Satan is.
He taught me it is not my battle to fight. It is God’s.
And He is teaching me to be still.

It’s been 52 days since it was official, and by the grace of God, I’m doing OK. There are bad days…and sad days…and regular days…and days when I refuse to let the divorce mar them.

I don’t know why God would take something I’d longed for over twenty years.
Maybe He knew if I endured that, I’d persevere through this.
Maybe through those prayers, He was preparing me for these.

Divorce may have separated us legally, but I believe in the eyes of God, we are still one flesh.  A piece of paper doesn’t change my vows nor the resolve behind them.

So, I pray for reconciliation one day.
I pray for God to restore this pile of ashes I mourn in.
I pray for the Holy Spirit to do His work.
I pray for hearts to be changed and rebellion to be broken.

And I hope.

Maybe that makes me pathetic, or sad, or silly, or foolish. I feel that way sometimes.

So, I’ll smile politely when people tell me it’s a lost cause, or that I should move on.
I’ll see the pity in their faces, and hear it in their voices.
They’ll say kindly, “Maybe God has another plan.” And that’s OK. Maybe He does.

But God has also taught me He uses the foolish and the hopeless of this world to bring glory to His Name. And our faith in Him is pleasing. So, even if restoration never comes, I’ll press on. Because, you see…

I’ve prayed for this man for as long as I can remember.
And I’ll wait for him again.

But Now

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In John 11, Lazarus, Mary & Martha were desperate for you. You were aware of their situation because Your Father was aware, and because a message came to you with the news, “Lord, your dear friend is very sick” (v 3).

Like I said, you already knew the situation.

You knew they were desperate,
but you weren’t.
They didn’t know how it would end,
but you did.

“Lazarus’s sickness will not end in death.”

Two whole days went by, but you hadn’t forgotten your friends. There is no information about what happened in those two days, but anyone who has dealt with a sick family member knows Mary & Martha were wringing their hands, pacing the floor, and begging for a miracle.

They were desperate.
They were weeping.
They felt helpless.

And then….they mourned.

By the time you reached them, he had been dead four days.

Four heartbreaking, sad, and dark days.

Martha was so desperate for your presence she ran to meet you before you made it to the house. “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask.”

“But even now…”

Behold.  Those were the words of hope.

In light of her situation and amidst the finality of death, she still hoped against all hope.

But Mary…Well, Mary was beside herself.

Once the one commended for her adoration of you, she was devastated by the events that transpired. “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”  She doesn’t have the hope Martha possessed. And neither do those weeping and wailing alongside her.

And that made you mad.

Then, arriving at the tomb, you wept.  Those around you probably thought you were weeping for the loss of your friend, but I believe you wept because of their lack of faith and their hopelessness.

“Roll the stone aside,” you said.  And when Martha’s faith faltered for a moment, you encouraged her, “Didn’t I tell you that you would see God’s glory if you believe?”

If only we would believe, we too could see God’s glory.

Then, you prayed.

At your command, Lazarus came out, and – just as you said – Lazarus’s sickness did not end in death.

And so, we pause to give you thanks…

For your timing – though it may seem late – is always perfect…
And for circumstances that challenge our faith and reveal our hearts.

For knowing our circumstances even when we feel forgotten.

For giving us hope…
And encouraging us when our hope wavers.

For being compassionate…
And for being faithful even when we are faithless.

For showing up…
And for working miracles.

For always hearing our prayers…
And for interceding on our behalf.

For keeping your word…
And for doing the impossible so we will believe.

To you be the glory forever and ever.
Amen.

2017: The Year of Brokenness

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A dear friend sent a message this past week wishing me a happy birthday. He included this comment  “…based on the posts you are looking pretty happy – great for you – you deserve it.”

My heart ached when I read his comment, because somehow, I’d managed to cover up that 2017 was the absolute hardest of my life to date.

I value transparency.

I like real.
And hard.
And honest.

I hate when people are not genuine.
When they pretend to be someone they aren’t,
and somehow I’d become one of them.

I feel guilty for hiding behind a mask.  My life looks all put together and shiny on social media, but in reality, it is not.

Somewhere in trying to be discreet, I’ve hidden the truth.

So, as I reflect on 2017, I want to make sure I shoot you straight because there will be times when we all struggle, and it is important to know you are not alone.

Here are the good and bad from 2017:

Best New Year’s Resolution:
Not making one.

Scariest Moment:
Separating from my husband in mid-June and every day thereafter.

Funniest Moment:
Any day with Deacon is likely to be a trip.

Weirdest Month:
August

Biggest Obsession:
Prayer.  It is a compulsion I am drawn to almost every waking hour.
On a less serious note: April the Giraffe giving birth.

Favorite Read:
I’m working on Prevailing Prayer by DL Moody.

Favorite TV Show:
This is Us  (because I guess I just need more reasons to cry)
Game of Thrones
Stranger Things

Favorite Bible Study:
Going through The Blue Book by Jim Branch with my church.

Best Vacation:
Visiting Bost and his family ranch in Kerrville, TX with Robyn for my birthday.  It was delightful.

Favorite New Experience
Moscow Mules

Best Decision/Best Purchase:
This king size gel memory foam mattress and bed frame off of Amazon.

Biggest Loss:
My family.
I miss my bonus sons;
and my husband.

Biggest Accomplishment:
Developing and implementing a solution at work with Brianne and watching it actually WORK!!  This is our victory flight home.

Best Conference/Concert:
The Writer’s Share at WorkPlay.  In all fairness (and in the spirit of transparency), it is also the only one I attended.

Biggest Disappointment:
2017

Biggest Surprise:
My cousin, Terry, who started responding to commands after being in a coma for many days.  Visit his Facebook page for updates and ways to support them during this difficult time.

Bost taking us to pray over my marriage at this lovely prayer garden in Kerrville, TX. It was just before sunset, and it was stunning.

Most Memorable Moment/Most Embarrassing Moment:
Falling on my face (literally) when I was walking the dogs with my boot.  Thankfully no neighbors saw me.

Biggest Blessing:
As with any hard year, the blessings stand out like sparkling diamonds, and I am grateful beyond words for every one of them.

– Kels letting me and the monsters dogs live with her for about 6 weeks.
– My apartment.
– The love and prayers of my friends and family who’ve stood by me through the brokenness.
– My Life Group who shares their struggles and crises, so no one feels alone.
– Learning what unconditional love and forgiveness require.
– God – who holds me up every single day – and fights for me.

Favorite Gift:
Mary Lane surprising me with this book out of nowhere.  I don’t think I told a soul I wanted to read it, but somehow she knew.

A trip to a friend’s family cabin for a solid week.

Favorite Family Activity:
Watching my eldest bonus son graduate from high school.

Most Awkward Moment:
Writing this post.  I’m still shaking.

My hope & prayer is for 2018 to bring healing, reconciliation, and joy for God’s glory!

Glimpsing Joy

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I’ve been reading about joy and celebration in the Bible, and I admit I’ve struggled with the word ‘joy’.  I’m not sure I can recognize the difference between it and happiness, but I think God is teaching me in the shadows.

People often say their wedding day was the happiest of their lives. That is not true of mine. When I looked back at my wedding album the other day, two words kept rolling around and around in my head. I could see them flashing in my mind’s eye.

PURE.
JOY.

It was written all over our faces.

Then, I read Henri Nouwen’s definition:

“Joy is the experience of knowing that you’re unconditionally loved and that nothing – sickness, failure, emotional distress, oppression, war, or even death – can take that love away.”

I confess: I struggle with knowing God loves me personally & unconditionally. The only picture I have of grasping even a momentary glimpse of it was the day I got married.

This year has been the hardest of my life.

It has been gut-wrenching….
painful….
sad…
confusing…
and overwhelming.

But I’ve learned a lot about unconditional love and what it requires of us.

I can’t imagine Jesus having that love for me.

But I’m learning.

I pray one day, I can grasp it!

I hope you grasp it too.