Struggles

The divorce was final on February 15, 2018. We didn’t even make it to our second anniversary.

There were great days…and good days…and regular days in the 719 we were married, but those seemed to be marred by the hard days. The days when I felt like I was playing catch up trying to figure out…

What was going on…
What went wrong…
What I was doing wrong…
And what was happening?

The 18 months prior to our wedding day were the absolute happiest and most joyful of my life.  I’d venture to say they were his as well.  You see…

I’d prayed for this man for as long as I could remember.
I’d waited for him.

And suddenly, there he was. And I loved him almost instantly.  I know it was good, and right, and perfect for us to marry. I’ve never doubted it. Ever.  Even on the darkest of days.

And I loved being married to him even when it was hard.

Marriage taught me many things. It revealed my flaws, my brokenness, my fears, my hurts, and my weaknesses.   It was ugly.

It taught me how destructive unforgiveness can be: how it creates a cancer of bitterness so deep and wide the fruit is poisonous and words are venomous.

It taught me if your glasses are broken and scratched by the world – you misinterpret things. The more broken your glasses, the more misconstrued your reality.

It taught me we are all broken…
We all need grace…
We all need forgiveness…
And if we have received grace and forgiveness from God, we must give it out as He does: freely.

God taught me there is a spiritual war all around me.
He taught me my spouse was not the enemy. Satan is.
He taught me it is not my battle to fight. It is God’s.
And He is teaching me to be still.

It’s been 52 days since it was official, and by the grace of God, I’m doing OK. There are bad days…and sad days…and regular days…and days when I refuse to let the divorce mar them.

I don’t know why God would take something I’d longed for over twenty years.
Maybe He knew if I endured that, I’d persevere through this.
Maybe through those prayers, He was preparing me for these.

Divorce may have separated us legally, but I believe in the eyes of God, we are still one flesh.  A piece of paper doesn’t change my vows nor the resolve behind them.

So, I pray for reconciliation one day.
I pray for God to restore this pile of ashes I mourn in.
I pray for the Holy Spirit to do His work.
I pray for hearts to be changed and rebellion to be broken.

And I hope.

Maybe that makes me pathetic, or sad, or silly, or foolish. I feel that way sometimes.

So, I’ll smile politely when people tell me it’s a lost cause, or that I should move on.
I’ll see the pity in their faces, and hear it in their voices.
They’ll say kindly, “Maybe God has another plan.” And that’s OK. Maybe He does.

But God has also taught me He uses the foolish and the hopeless of this world to bring glory to His Name. And our faith in Him is pleasing. So, even if restoration never comes, I’ll press on. Because, you see…

I’ve prayed for this man for as long as I can remember.
And I’ll wait for him again.

A dear friend sent a message this past week wishing me a happy birthday. He included this comment  “…based on the posts you are looking pretty happy – great for you – you deserve it.”

My heart ached when I read his comment, because somehow, I’d managed to cover up that 2017 was the absolute hardest of my life to date.

I value transparency.

I like real.
And hard.
And honest.

I hate when people are not genuine.
When they pretend to be someone they aren’t,
and somehow I’d become one of them.

I feel guilty for hiding behind a mask.  My life looks all put together and shiny on social media, but in reality, it is not.

Somewhere in trying to be discreet, I’ve hidden the truth.

So, as I reflect on 2017, I want to make sure I shoot you straight because there will be times when we all struggle, and it is important to know you are not alone.

Here are the good and bad from 2017:

Best New Year’s Resolution:
Not making one.

Scariest Moment:
Separating from my husband in mid-June and every day thereafter.

Funniest Moment:
Any day with Deacon is likely to be a trip.

Weirdest Month:
August

Biggest Obsession:
Prayer.  It is a compulsion I am drawn to almost every waking hour.
On a less serious note: April the Giraffe giving birth.

Favorite Read:
I’m working on Prevailing Prayer by DL Moody.

Favorite TV Show:
This is Us  (because I guess I just need more reasons to cry)
Game of Thrones
Stranger Things

Favorite Bible Study:
Going through The Blue Book by Jim Branch with my church.

Best Vacation:
Visiting Bost and his family ranch in Kerrville, TX with Robyn for my birthday.  It was delightful.

Favorite New Experience
Moscow Mules

Best Decision/Best Purchase:
This king size gel memory foam mattress and bed frame off of Amazon.

Biggest Loss:
My family.
I miss my bonus sons;
and my husband.

Biggest Accomplishment:
Developing and implementing a solution at work with Brianne and watching it actually WORK!!  This is our victory flight home.

Best Conference/Concert:
The Writer’s Share at WorkPlay.  In all fairness (and in the spirit of transparency), it is also the only one I attended.

Biggest Disappointment:
2017

Biggest Surprise:
My cousin, Terry, who started responding to commands after being in a coma for many days.  Visit his Facebook page for updates and ways to support them during this difficult time.

Bost taking us to pray over my marriage at this lovely prayer garden in Kerrville, TX. It was just before sunset, and it was stunning.

Most Memorable Moment/Most Embarrassing Moment:
Falling on my face (literally) when I was walking the dogs with my boot.  Thankfully no neighbors saw me.

Biggest Blessing:
As with any hard year, the blessings stand out like sparkling diamonds, and I am grateful beyond words for every one of them.

– Kels letting me and the monsters dogs live with her for about 6 weeks.
– My apartment.
– The love and prayers of my friends and family who’ve stood by me through the brokenness.
– My Life Group who shares their struggles and crises, so no one feels alone.
– Learning what unconditional love and forgiveness require.
– God – who holds me up every single day – and fights for me.

Favorite Gift:
Mary Lane surprising me with this book out of nowhere.  I don’t think I told a soul I wanted to read it, but somehow she knew.

A trip to a friend’s family cabin for a solid week.

Favorite Family Activity:
Watching my eldest bonus son graduate from high school.

Most Awkward Moment:
Writing this post.  I’m still shaking.

My hope & prayer is for 2018 to bring healing, reconciliation, and joy for God’s glory!