My adult life has been peppered with bouts of anxiety and depression. (That’s such a nice, cheery way to start a post. Don’t you think?) In the past, I have been able to contribute it to a specific circumstance in my life. But lately, I’ve been blue, and I haven’t a clue as to why.

Not only have I been blue, but I’ve been incredibly anxious. I wake up almost every single morning nauseas and dreadful of what the day might bring. Nothing seems to satisfy me or ease my discontent. I have no energy. No appetite. I have waves of anxiety for no reason at all. It’s baffling, uncomfortable and almost paralyzing. I just want to feel normal again.

Or at least that is what I thought I wanted.

Now…I’m not quite so sure.

You see, I’ve been fascinated with the Holy Spirit, lately. I’ve been praying for God to fill me up with His Spirit, to teach me about who He is, and how He works. We know so little about Him, and yet He is predominately how the God-head interacts with us today. Does that seem ironic to anyone but me?

In my search to know the seemingly enigmatic Holy Spirit, I stumbled across a collection of sermons by A.W. Tozer aptly titled Mystery of the Holy Spirit and this sentence caught my attention:

“I am not sure anyone was ever filled with the Spirit without first having a time of disturbance and anxiety.”

Come again, A.W. What was that?

“…before [the Holy Spirit] can fill us, there must be a disturbance and an anxiety. Adam has to die.”

Think about this with me for a second.

Let’s say you have a box full of junk, but you want to make it a box full of treasures. In order to make it a box full of treasures, you have to empty the box of the junk. Right? You have to pour out the contents of the box in order to fill it with the things that are valuable.

It is the same with the Holy Spirit!

We cannot be filled by the Holy Spirit until we are empty of our self and of the things of this world: the junk.

Wait! There is more.

When God turns our boxes upside down to empty us out, our internal self screams in discomfort creating feelings of anxiety and distress. Y’all! This could change my life!

Eventually, the box has to run out of junk, right? Eventually, those feelings of anxiety and despair will disappear when the box is turned right side up. And then look what happens! We get filled with the treasure of the Holy Spirit!

“But when you reach that place of despair, when nobody can help you; when you’ve gone to the last person, you’ve written the last editor, and followed the last evangelist around, and hunted up the last fellow to counsel with him, and when nobody can help you any more you’re in a state of inward despair; that’s when you should never despair, because you’re near the kingdom. That is getting close, getting near the place where God can do something for you.”

Do you see it? Oh, please tell me that you see it!

We try so hard in our society to be comfortable, to not feel pain, to not hurt or be anxious. We seek counsel in anything – and from anyone – but God.

We talk to friends,
surf the internet,
distract ourselves with more and more activities.

We pop pills,
or drink another glass of wine,
or work longer hours.

We numb ourselves with the television,
or quit our jobs,
or move on to another relationship.

But what would happen if we welcomed the pain? What would happen if we embraced the opportunity to be emptied of the junk so that God could fill us with His Treasure?

I am often amazed at how God prepares our hearts for what lies ahead.

I bowed out of a trail run Saturday morning with some hilarious women because I was in the “Jesus Zone.”  I was having some sweet communion with My Savior and just couldn’t bring myself to part from his presence.  During my time with him, he led me to a book entitled, “Peace, Perfect Peace” by F.B. Meyer.

It is a short book.  One that I finished in about an hour.  Little did I know, that in less than twelve hours of closing the cover, I would need it.

I received shocking news later that day that my dear, sweet friend, Rob Murray, died suddenly.  As I began to talk to God through the fog of my feelings, he reminded me of the words I read earlier, “The moment of absence is the moment of presence. As the spirit withdraws itself from the body, closing blinds and shutters as it retires, it immediately presents itself in the presence of the King, to go no more out for ever.”

Slowly, God began to raise the curtain of shock and sadness to let the light of his truth shine into my heart: seven hundred and twenty minutes before, he had prepared me for that moment!

My thoughts that evening would alternate between thoughts of how awesome God is and memories of Rob.  I pondered the immensity of God’s love and care for his children.  His well-timed provision, and His generosity in loaning the world Rob Murray if only for a while.

My friend, Rob, now knows the face of Jesus.
He has seen the throne room of God.
He has kneeled at the feet of the King.

And my heart, like Rob’s soul, takes wings under the realization that he is now home and he is happy.  His love for those he left behind is “only altered in its brilliance and intensity.”  He can now love perfectly because he is perfectly loved.

My hope in the days to come is that I can use the lessons that I learned in that small, yet profound book, to comfort those Rob left behind.

“In sore sorrow, He comforts best who says least, and who simply draws near, and takes the sufferer’s hand, and is silent in his sympathizing love.”

You know how God gives folks new names in the Bible? Abram became Abraham; Sarai became Sarah; Saul became Paul.  I think God is about to start calling me Jonah.

A couple of months ago, we ranked in order of preference, the teams we would like to serve on during our mission trip to Peru. The number of teams we had to choose from could rival the NFL. We could pick between the medical team, dental team, door-to-door evangelism team, eye clinic team, children’s ministry team, spiritual counseling team, etc.

With my pencil in hand, I stared at the list and heard quite clearly a familiar voice in my soul, “I want you to put down door-to-door.” My response was immediate and determined, “That’s crazy! No way!”

Of all the teams on that list, door-to-door was my last choice. I’d rather stick my hand in someone’s mouth in the dental clinic than traipse about Peru going from house to house selling Jesus. In my mind there are two words for that: night – mare.

Again, I heard the voice: “I want you to do door-to-door!” My palms started to sweat and my resolve became more pronounced as I said silently, “I’m not going to put it down as number one but I will put it in the number two slot.”

As I type that sentence I want to punch myself in the face for being such an idiot. Why do I resist!? I just blatantly cruised down to Joppa and bought a ticket to Tarshish instead of Ninevah. Just call me Jonah.

I turned the form in with the following rankings:  

1) medical clinic
2) door-to-door evangelism
3) eye clinic.
(Sadly, the dental clinic took last place since door-to-door moved up the chart.)

In our next meeting, I couldn’t flip through the pages of the handout fast enough to find out my team assignment. I glanced through the medical team first. Kellie’s name was there, but mine was strangely missing. Next, my eyes frantically scanned the list of eye clinic volunteers. I got excited as I located Robyn and Lil’s names, but there must have been a mistake because my name was not on that list either. Then, as I saw my name under the door-to-door evangelism team, I’m pretty sure I threw up a little (spiritually at least) and I think I saw God cross His arms, lean back on his throne, and with a smirk on His face say, “Ummm. Hmmmm. I said door-to-door!”
Yep. Just call me Jonah.

And just like Jonah, I pouted a while.  Until one day, I heard myself say to someone, “My friends are working in the eye clinic and on the medical team, but I have to do door-to-door.”  I cringed as those words came out of my mouth.  How could I be so selfish and ungrateful? 

My response should’ve been “I get to go door-to-door;”  or “I get to tell people about the God who I love and serve;” or ”I get to see people make the most important decision of their lives.”  

My perspective shifted even more when Dr. Bill commented something to the gist of:  ”The door-to-door evangelism team is really the elite team; That’s where it’s at.”   I sank in my chair. 

Embarrassed by my unworthiness.
Humbled by God’s grace.
And honored to be chosen. 

Do you know what the best part is?
I don’t have to. 
I get to!

I’m not sure if I have mentioned this on the blog or not, but I am going on a mission trip to Arequipa, Peru on July 16th. I have never been out of the country nor have I been on a mission trip like this before. And to be honest, I am petrified!

When we signed up for the trip several months ago, one of the girls in the group was nervous.  Oddly, I was the calm one.  Then, it occurred to me that eventually the roles would be reversed.  Well, Friends, we have reached that junction.  She is calm; I am terrified.

I’m scared for a lot of reasons.  First, the bathroom situation.  My stomach is quite ridiculous in it’s irritability, so I worry about facilities being nearby.  Not only that, but I worry about what those facilities will look like.  Now, let me be clear here:  I am not a germ-a-phobe.  I do not expect clean facilities.  But I do hope for a toilet bowl and not a hole in the floor.  Grace is not my middle name which I’m sure will lead to an interesting experience.  Not to mention my poor thighs.  I’m not sure they are up to the task.  Perhaps I should add some squats and lunges to my workout routine just in case.

The second thing I worry about is what I will eat.  Y’all know I’m a picky eater, but then you add the risk of bacterial infections and parasites, and well…what’s a girl to do?  Cheese and peanut butter crackers & cereal bars will most likely be on the menu; or perhaps I’ll end up with a 10-day fast for the Lord.  Let’s face it, I can miss a few meals for Jesus.

So, these are my honest and ridiculous fears of traveling abroad.  Don’t you wonder if God just rolls his eyes at us sometimes and whispers, “You of little faith!  Why do you doubt? (Matthew 14:31)”

Once upon a time, there was a shy, sweet, little girl with a tender heart as big as the ocean.  One day, she met a boy who was mean to her.  He told her everyday that she was ugly.

At first, the words were harmless – the jokes of an immature pre-adolescent boy – and she brushed them away.  But slowly, the insidious words of this young man, began to seep into her soul, and soon she believed them to be true.

Many years ago, I was that little girl.

Though, today, I know that those words were not true, I still remember the searing stab I felt in my heart each time they were uttered.  While the scar has faded, I know it’s still there, and so does the Enemy.

I have a t-shirt that reads, “Pretty Girls Need Love To.”  The t-shirt design came out of a bible study we were doing on Joseph.  One night, we were pondering the seemingly ridiculous question of how beauty can be a burden.  Somehow the phrase was uttered and, ironically, an ugly girl laugh followed.

One night, I was wearing the t-shirt, and my friend, Lil, was sharing a comment she received when she wore it.  Immediately the Enemy picked at the scar on my heart, and I said:  “People never comment on the t-shirt when I where it.  Maybe they think I’m ugly, and I don’t need to wear it anymore.”

Really?  Seriously?  Shut up, Devil!

An hour or so later, as I was driving home, I stopped off at the gas station.  I was paying the cashier when he said, “Your t-shirt is hilarious.  I love it!”

I laughed as I realized the timing of that compliment and I heard another voice gently whisper: “Every word you say, Child, I hear.  Nothing escapes my attention.”

My heart rejoiced in that moment as I let that truth sink in to my soul.

Not one word spoken escapes the attention of our Father.

Not one prayer uttered goes without attention from Him.

He hears.

He speaks.

And in His own timing, He answers.

Yesterday, I was trying to make arrangements with my brother to give him his birthday present.  This is the conversation that unfolded:

Me:  …I’m not sure if I will be home, so just call me.

Sandy:  Why?  Why aren’t you going to be home?  What are you doing?…Do you have a boyfriend?

Me:  No.

Sandy:  Why not?

Me:  Well (pause as I tried to come up with a clever response to no avail)….I don’t know.

Sandy:  I think I know.

Me:  Really?  Why is that? [insert sarcasm here]

Sandy:  You are too picky.

Me:  Well, shouldn’t I be? [sarcasm continues]

Sandy:  How’s that working out for you? [sarcasm countered]

Me:  Pretty well, I think. I’m not really worried about it.  God will take care of it.

Sandy:  [Laughing skeptically] God’s gonna take care of it?  (pause)  Are you out on Match.com or anything?”

Me:  No.  No, I’m not.

Sandy:  What if God needs some help?

Me:  I’m pretty sure God doesn’t need any help.  (pause)  What is wrong with you, anyway?  What’s up with these questions?

Sandy:  …I’ve just been thinking about you lately, and…well, I just don’t want you to end up alone.

I’m pretty sure those last nine words were the sweetest that my brother has ever said to me.  At first, they caught me off guard.  Shocked by the sincerity in his voice, and the love that was so obviously behind them, I struggled to find the words.  When I did find them, they seemed inadequate:  ”I appreciate that.”

I hung up the phone and felt an unfamiliar and slight shift in my heart.  It wasn’t until later in the day, when I was sharing this moment with Robyn, that the tears came.  But why?  Why the tears?

You see, as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to know that my brother loves me and cares about me.  The sincerity behind his words told me both.

Today, as I breathe in deeply the sweet aroma of my brother’s sentiments, I feel some old wounds begin to heal.  Wounds inflicted long ago that the devil has used far too often.

I hate Satan.  I realize that probably goes without saying, but I just wanted to get that out in the open so there are no misunderstandings between us.

Satan has been knocking on my door for the past several days.  Incessantly.  What does he want?  He wants to steal and kill and destroy (John 10:10).  But today – yes, today – I caught on to his plan while I was reading 1 Samuel 23.

David, who has been anointed as king but has not yet taken his position on the throne, is being pursued relentlessly by King Saul.  What does Saul want to do to David?  He wants to kill him.  He wants to destroy him.  He wants to steal his God-given right to reign over Israel.

Based on some poor choices by Saul, God rejects him as king, and seeks out someone who has a heart like His (1 Samuel 13:14).  A heart that seeks His will.  A shepherd’s heart.  A heart like David’s.

I’m sure you know the story:  Through a series of events, David and Saul meet and become friends.  That is, until Saul realizes David is to be the next king.  Then, Saul goes off the deep end.  His crown is at stake, and he will do whatever it takes to keep it.  He will stop at nothing.

Saul plots.  Saul schemes.  And David is on the run forced to live in the desert; in caves; in cities; wherever he can find refuge no matter how brief.

Like Saul, Satan is relentlessly trying to keep us from becoming what God intends for us to be.  He wants to steal our joy and blessing.  He wants to kill our hearts and our hope.  He wants to destroy our relationship with The Almighty.

But He can’t.

No matter what Saul did, David always escaped because he was chosen by God.  God was on his side, and He had a purpose for David’s life just as He has one for yours.

Satan does not have the power to destroy us.  So, let Paul’s words remind you: “Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come” (2 Corinthians 1:21-22).

Rest easy, Friend.  You are His and His purposes will stand (Isaiah 46:10) you need only to stand firm and see the deliverance of the LORD (2 Chronicles 20:17).

I love me some Joseph! I mean I really, really, really love Joseph. I love him for many reasons, but I think it’s mainly because I can relate to him.

He was foolish when he was young.  (Aren’t we all?)
He was the favored child. (To this day, my brother still thinks I was my parents’ favorite!)
Joseph’s father doted on him. (As did mine.)
He was given fancy gifts. (As was I.)
He was spoiled. (So was I.)
Humility was not his strong suit. (Unfortunately, I’m not much better.)
His mouth got him into trouble. (Need I say more?)

But praise God that He changed him! Praise God that he grew Joseph in wisdom and maturity!

When Joseph was 17, God gave him a dream about what was to come. He didn’t ask God if he should share his dream with others. He just did.  At 17, I’m sure his approach wasn’t exactly what it should have been. I’m sure it was more bragging than bashful, more proud than prudent.

“Guess what God told me!” Joseph said to his brothers. “God said that I was going to rule over you. You…and Mom….and Dad, y’all are all going to bow down and worship me.”

OK. So, maybe he wasn’t quite that blunt, but his presentation of the dream was done in a way that his brothers quickly caught on to what he was saying. They weren’t happy. They already hated him (Gen. 37:5).  Joseph had just added some C4 to a smoldering fire, and it was only a matter of time before the burning embers of resentment turned into flickering flames of anger which would eventually ignite in rage.

On an ordinary day, Joseph sets out at the request of his father to check on his brothers (Gen. 37:13-14). Why wasn’t he with them? I can only speculate. They probably didn’t want to be around him, so they left him at home to hang with Dad.

As Joseph set off to find his brothers, he had no idea what laid before him. He had no idea his brothers would do what they did.  He had no idea that the road to the palace began in a pit.  He had no idea that before his brothers would bow, he would be broken.

Do you think Joseph would’ve wanted his “dream” if God told him his brothers were going to plot his demise? Do you think he’d approve of God’s plan if he knew he would have to pass through such pain, heartache and betrayal? Would he hop on board if he knew the next 13 years would be spent enslaved and falsely imprisoned? Would you? Would I?

Sometimes, like Joseph, God gives us glimpses of what He wants to do with us. Every now and then, He’ll bless us with a fleeting view of the big picture – a peek at the blueprint of His building – a taste of the sweetness to come. Sometimes God lets us in on His secret. Sometimes.

What does He do in the meantime?

He teaches us to trust Him.

He stretches our faith.

He tests our endurance.

He teaches us His ways.

He holds us in His righteous right hand.

He wipes the tears from our face.

He proves that His ways are always right.

He shows us that He can work anything for good.

He teaches us that love sometimes means a lesson.

He proves that His timing is impeccable.

He demonstrates that His grace is sufficient.

He teaches us to hope only in Him.

He builds our character.

He displays His power and might.

He shows us His glory.

He provides.

He rebukes.

He comforts.

He sustains.

He loves.

He restores.

And in the end, He proves to be faithful.

The next time you find yourself faced with a seemingly unfair situation; or you find yourself standing in a pit of pain that seems to swallow you whole; or you are staring at odds that appear to be stacked against you, just remember Joseph. Remember his promise and his journey. Remember that God is bigger than your present circumstance.  While you can’t see the forest for the trees, He does, because He created not only the trees but the forest in which they stand. He knows exactly where you are and exactly what you are going through, and He knows exactly how to finish what He started (Philippians 1:6).