Reflections

 

“It is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD.” (Lamentations 3:26, NLT)

 

God’s salvation takes many forms.

And it comes.

Eventually.

 

In the meantime, we learn.

To sit quietly.

Waiting for the Lord to save us.

 

“Let them sit alone in silence beneath the LORD’s demands.” (Lamentations 3:28, NLT)

 

Not complaining.

Not wincing.

Not commiserating with others.

 

Sitting alone.

In silence.

Beneath God’s demands.

 

Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies. (Lamentations 3:30, NLT)

 

Not fighting back.

Not striking out.

Not justifying.

Accepting.

 

Such difficult demands…
…the waiting…
…the sitting…
…not fighting back…
…not lashing out…
…not justifying…

 

Just waiting for God’s salvation and trusting…

“…no one is abandoned by the LORD forever.
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.” (Lamentations 3:31 – 32, NLT)

I’ve been reading in Deuteronomy lately which probably seems strange.  I mean…who says, “I’m having a hard time figuring out what to study in the Bible.  I think I’ll hang out in Deuteronomy?”  If you do, in fact, say this, please raise your hand because I need to shake it.

If you are like me and don’t tread down the steps of Deuteronomy much, the first couple of chapters recount Israel’s history prior to entering the Promised Land.

God was all prepared to give them this land flowing with milk and honey.  He was going to hand it over to them.  He was going to fight the battles required to occupy it.  All they had to do was trust and be obey.

That sounds simple enough, doesn’t it?  Afterall…

These people saw God inflict ten plagues on the Egyptians because Pharaoh would not let them go.
They heard the Spirit of God pass over their houses and save their firstborn sons because the doorposts were tinged with the blood of a lamb.
They saw Him lead them with a pillar of fire by night and a pillar of cloud by day.
They saw Him split open the Red Sea so they could cross on dry ground.
They saw Him swallow up their enemies by closing that same sea.

So, of course God could fight the battles for them.
Of course he could deliver it into their hands.

They had seen it first hand.

But as you may know, that is not what happened.   As they were standing near the Promised Land, they wanted to send spies over to see who inhabited it and if the land was, indeed, flowing with milk and honey.

So, they sent spies over instead of going with God and taking His word for it.  Their intel, it seemed, was more reliable than God’s word.

The spies came back and confirmed the land was bountiful and beautiful, but the people there were scary and some of them were giants.

All but two of the twelve spies sent did not believe God would do what He said he would do.  The enemy was just too strong and their odds weren’t that great.

And because they saw the obstacles through their own eyes and not through the eyes of faith, they didn’t trust.  They didn’t obey when God told them to go fight.

This did not go over well. God was angry with them, and he swore that unbelieving generation would never enter the Promised Land.

It was over that quick for an entire generation because they did not trust the LORD.

How often am I guilty of the same?

So, for forty years, the entire nation wandered in the wilderness waiting for the last of that generation to die.

In Deuteronomy 2, God tells them they’ve wandered long enough and provides directions for their next steps:

• Go North
• You’ll go through the land of Edom & they will be threatened (so be careful)
• Do not bother them because they are on the land I’ve given them.
• If you need anything…pay them for it.

And then the most beautiful of verses smacked me in the face:

“For the LORD your God has blessed you in everything you have done. He has watched your every step through this great wilderness. During these forty years, the LORD your God has been with you, and you have lacked nothing.”

Even though God had allowed them to experience the consequences of their faithlessness, He had not left them.

God blessed them even though they were wandering in the wilderness because of their sin.
He watched over their every step.
He took care of them so they lacked nothing.

Despite their sin.
Despite their stubbornness.
Despite the fact that their willfulness and disobedience got them into the wilderness in the first place, God did not abandon them.

Even then, God was watching where their feet stepped. He was supplying their every need supernaturally from food to clothing and everything in between. He stayed with them even when they deserved abandonment.

What a merciful and gracious God!

Oh, Lord, that I might be merciful simply because you have shown me mercy.
Oh, Lord, that I might be gracious simply because you have extended me grace.

Father, forgive me when I have been…

willfull…
stubborn…
disobedient…
and self-reliant.

Forgive me when I have trusted my own intel instead of Your word.

Thank you for never leaving me despite these things.

In a couple of weeks my oldest bonus son will graduate from high school.

It’s kind of a big deal.

I’ve had the privilege of being part of G’s life since he was a Sophomore, and My! How he has grown!  Now…

I see a man instead of a teenager.
I see someone who used to wreck my kitchen and now cleans it up for me.

He is determined and strong.

And he is on the precipice of change.

Recently, my husband was out of town and G dropped by the house. He forgot his dad was out of town, so he’d “come by to talk to Dad.”

That statement melted my heart.

If you’re a parent of a teenager (or maybe any parent) you’ll understand the tenderness of that statement:

He wanted to hear his dad’s advice.
He cared about what his dad had to say.
And he trusted  his father with his heart.

Here was a young man about to go off on his own for the first time, and he loved his dad enough and cared enough about his dad’s opinion to want to talk to him. What a HUGE, GIGANTIC, special thing!

Man! I’m a sucker for these Father-Son moments. It makes me teary just thinking about it.

And I love how much it means to my husband.

I love how he jumps at the opportunity.

It makes his day.
He listens with baited breath.
He drops everything.

I wonder if it means as much to our Heavenly Father, who loves us far beyond our earthly Father’s capabilities…

When we want to talk with Him not at Him.
When we trust Him with our fears and questions.
When we listen to His counsel.
When we trust Him with our hearts.

Does He love it when we say, “I just came by to talk to Dad.”

Does it make His day?
Does He listen with baited breath?
Does He drop everything?

I think He does.  Afterall…

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! – Matthew 7:11

Confession: I am struggling with sin in my life right now. And frankly, I am sick of myself…

Sick of being lazy.
Sick of not having energy.
Sick of being a victim of my body and mind.
Sick of letting my flesh control me.

I try to do better.

I mean…really, really try.

And something thwarts me.

Every.
Single.
Time.

Sometimes it is myself.
Sometimes it is outside circumstances.

But I’m sick of it.

So, I prayed this morning…

Lord, do I need more self-discipline or do I need more of Your strength?

I waited silently for an answer.

Then, a verse came to mind…

”…not by might shall man prevail.”

I opened my bible to the passage and read Hannah’s words of worship.

“the LORD has made me strong.” (v. 1)
“I rejoice because He rescued me. (v. 4)
“…not by might shall man prevail.” (v. 9)

Is that my answer?

God doing the work?
God making me strong?
God cutting the wicked off in darkness?
God rescuing me?

I don’t know what that looks like, frankly, because it is so ingrained in me, and in this culture, that I must WILL myself to victory.

I must do.

Then, two words roll through my mind.

“Be still.”

No. No. No.

No.

No.

That can’t be right.

But I am familiar with those words.  They repeat to me frequently most often in the form of Exodus 14:14.  But today those words brought this verse to mind:

“Be still and know I am the LORD.” Psalm 46:10

That phrase “be still” in Psalms actually means to cease from striving; to drop; to relax.

Y’all, I admit, I don’t even know what that looks like other than looking lazy and giving up.  Honestly, it looks like defeat.

So, help me out here….what does being still look like to you?

I started leading the women’s bible study at my church on 1 Samuel about three weeks ago. I didn’t know at the time what was going on, but I was on the Struggle Bus.

I struggled with the material.
I struggled with motivation.
I even struggled with the Scripture.

Attendance was a lot lower than usual, which I was perfectly fine with since I was struggling.

The bottom line: Everything around the study felt forced, like we were tilling hard soil.

Do you know what I mean?

I even had to cancel one night (which I have never done in 2 years of teaching) because I was ill.

Frustration abounded.

This past week, I walking into the room with low expectations. I’d thrown a lesson together out of necessity and felt guilty about it.

I sat on the couch waiting to see who would join us. Before I knew what was happening 3 people showed up who were unable to attend the first three weeks of class.

It became VERY clear to me: the last 3 weeks were hard because we were not on God’s calendar, we were on ours.

So, I made the executive decision to reboot the class. We completely started over.

I am thankful for the ladies who showed up that day.
I am thankful for the flexibility of the ladies who had been coming.
I am grateful for the reminders that my calendar is NOT God’s calendar.
And I am grateful for the reminder that when I am tilling hard soil and feel like I cannot get any traction, it is happening for a reason.

Most people say the first year of marriage is the hardest, and I hope they are right. If they are, well, we did it!  We survived, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

This year, we certainly had our share of struggles, illnesses, dramas, adult conversations, and growing pains, but here we are…still standing.

In my mind, this year has been the hardest I’ve been through.  At times, I was overwhelmed with the amount of transitions required of us.  All at once, I had to got to learn to be 1) a wife and 2) a bonus mom to teenage boys in a new-to-me house with multiplying chores all the while trying to get dogs and cats to get along and still keep my day job.

Here are some thoughts on the first year of marriage from a 42-year old first time bride:

I love being called Mrs. Jones

I don’t like it because it means I am married.  It means so much more.  Some people think it is old fashioned to take your husband’s last name.

I think it is an honor.

It is the name his father gave to him, and the name he trusts me to carry.  It is the family I’ve been grafted into.  I pray I bear it well.

 

Being around each other was easier than I thought.

As someone who had not had a roommate in two decades, I was concerned about my capacity to not only live under the same roof as someone but with my capacity to share a bedroom and a bed.

I like my space.

But it turns out, when you marry someone you adore, it really isn’t that difficult [most of the time].

I could not get enough of our wedding photos.

My profuse apologies to my social media peeps and my co-workers for the amount of sharing.  In the beginning, I loved how they turned out. Only a year into this thing, I cry when I see them because I now know a little bit of what that commitment takes.

I lost myself at first.

Two becoming one flesh seems like a no-brainer, but in all actuality, it is a marvelous mystery, and I’m quite certain I’ve only scratched the surface.  It is becoming one team…one unit… one organism, but at the same time, it is somehow even more.

You work as one body so…

what injures one, injures the other;

what builds one up, builds up the other.

When one is at war with the other, both are impacted.

When two become one flesh, part of each dies.  It is a beautiful and painful process. Hopefully, I lost [and will continue to lose] the parts that need to be refined.

I had to learn how to live life even though I thought I was already pretty good at it.

Single Nikol, well, she could pretty much rock the snot out of knowing how to live life.  I mean…she had it together (somewhat).  She had this adorable house decorated exactly like she liked it.  She had her routines.  She knew how to load a dishwasher and do laundry. She knew how to hire people for things she didn’t have the expertise to do and the knowledge to learn the things she could. She knew how to juggle work and home and friends and everything in between.

Newlywed Nikol…well…she had a lot to learn.

I was completely unprepared for balancing all that was required with married life and work life.  I’m an overachiever and – come to find out – a people-pleaser, so “letting things go” or frequently disappointing others were arts in which I was unfamiliar but am rapidly learning.

Not being able to keep up with chores, not knowing what to cook for dinners; or not knowing what drinks the boys liked felt like momumental failures.  Not to mention, I had no idea there was a correct way of laoding the dishwasher…or that my husband folded towels all wrong…or that separating lights from darks was a complicated laundry strategy.  Every little detail of life was evaluated and relearned in the context of marriage.  It was exhausting.

Yep.  Newlywed Nikol was clueless.

PURGE…PURGE IT ALL BEFORE YOU’RE MARRIED

If I could go back and tell Single Nikol one thing it would be to purge everything to the bare minimum and get your fiance to do the same.  The amount of stuff two 40-year-old lives bring to the relationship was staggering.  I feel like we could purge for a decade and never get through it all.

Laundry…laundry…laundry

Multiply every load of laundry you do by the number of people who wear clothing, use towels, and lie on sheets in the house. Then, account for the mysterious people who live in your house that you haven’t even met yet.

My identity was wrapped up in things I never imagined.

This was a big one, and it snuck up on me.  Surprisingly, closing checking accounts I had since I was 15 years old was harder than it seemed.  Selling the house I adored and worked hard for, well, it was excruciating.  Learning that you are dependent on being surrounded by familiar things is disappointing.

I screwed up A LOT.

I pride myself on being able to handle relationships fairly well.   I’d say I am average to above average in this capacity.

I try to be kind.
I try to be loving.
I try to be helpful.
I’m fairly self-aware.

But my, oh my, the countless times I failed at being a spouse.

I’ve said shocking things to my husband.  At times…I’ve treated his heart poorly, apologized badly, and fought terribly.

Marriage takes forgiveness to a whole nother level.

You want to hear my theory?  Forgiveness, not love, is the key to a successful marriage.  I’m not saying love isn’t important, and I am certainly not talking about surface level forgiveness where you forgive the person and then hold it against them at a later date which will ultimately lead to resentment.  I’m talking about forgiving when you don’t feel like it and holding yourself accountable to keep that promise.

Honestly, I thought I was a good forgiver mainly because I have a terrible memory, but if your memory is long and your forgiveness is feeble, your marriage will struggle because both of you will screw up far beyond what you think your current screw up capabilities are [And I’m only a year in, y’all.  Can you image the magnitude of forgiveness required in a 20 year marriage?  Or 40?]

Not only will you be called on to forgive things you never thought you’d be asked to forgive, but you will be forgiven in ways that are simply stunning.  Each time my husband forgives me for an offense, he reminds me of the remarkable forgiveness God extends to us day-in and day-out.  And each time I am called on to forgive, I am reminded of the monumental sacrifice it requires.

It is humbling…and beautiful…and miraculous…and precious beyond words.

Your commitment will be tested! 

Hunker down, y’all.  If you are striving for a godly marriage [whatever that looks like], you become Satan’s playground.

He will mess with your head.
He will tempt you to fight about stupid things.
He will bring up old wounds from years gone by – over and over and over again.
He will bring fear and terror and anxieties.
He will prey on your vulnerabilities.
He will try to convince you that your spouse is the enemy.
He will come to steal your peace.
He will come to kill your love and devotion.
He will come to destroy your kindness and respect for one another.
He will come after your marriage with everything he has.

I mean it.  Hunker down and cling to your spouse and, more importantly, to Jesus because you will not stand a chance if you don’t.

Eventually, I got me back.

Slowly, but ever so surely, I’m getting back to other things I love. New routines and responsibilities are becoming familiar. I no longer feel like I am in some sort of weird survival mode, and with that comes permitting myself some free time and energy to get back to friends and hobbies which had to momentarily take a backseat.  I’m lucky enough to have some top-notch friends who were OK with the backseat for awhile and who are happy to welcome me back into their world even if mine looks a bit different.

It is worth it all. 

I said at the beginning of this post that this was one of the hardest years for me, yet I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world because the best things are fought for.  The good times and the stressful, messy times are all blessings.  The good times bring fresh air and the not-go-great times build strength for us individually and as a couple.  And by having fought for what we do have, we are encouraged to fight in order to keep it.

My husband knew how difficult the first year could be.  He knew it, and yet he loved me enough to go through it again.  I am astounded at his bravery.

He is a brilliant, wonderful man who is equally flawed and perfect, who has scars and wisdom beyond his years.  He is a rock with a quiet and persistent patience I will likely never possess.  He teaches me more than I could’ve imagined both about love and about life.  He is full of love and adventure and devotion.  He loves his children fiercely, and me just the same.

He is my favorite face…

my favorite place…

and my favorite friend.

I am grateful for this journey we share.

So, cheers to 365 days together, and may God bless us with thousands more in each others arms until we return to His.