Frustration, exhaustion, and tears were knocking on the door of my heart this whole week.
Finally, the tears would not submit to my will and came bursting out.
I was in the car when the groans started to break free. Groans that didn’t quite seem human.
Anger came in the car too. I screamed in an unrecognizable voice terrible things to God.
And immediately my soul grieved the words I spoke.
“I’m so sorry, Lord.”
“I’m so sorry.”
I cried steadily for about two hours.
When I wasn’t crying, I was saying one sentence prayers over and over.
Sometimes I could get the words out….
other times they were just groans.
The ones I remember….
“Jesus, help me.”
“I’m so tired.”
“My heart hurts.”
“Please do something.”
“I’m not strong enough for this.”
There were moments where I heard Him in my soul trying to calm me.
“Sssshhhhh. Ssssshhhhh. Everything is alright.”
But everything isn’t alright.
I don’t see what He sees.
I don’t have the answers.
I don’t know how it works out.
“Do you trust me?”
No words would come.
Again, “Do you trust me, Nikol?” This time more forceful.
“Yes, Lord, I trust you.”
And then the storm subsided, and though residual tears still came, they were not an overwhelming flood.
It is always through putting our continual trust in God that we weather the storms.
He is worthy.