Discovering True Intimacy with Our Savior

Intentional Availability

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In the movie, “Her Majesty Mrs. Brown” an outdoor servant to the Queen’s late husband was summoned in the hopes that he would be able to lift her spirits.

Instead of waiting around for the Queen to decide she wanted to take the horse out for a ride, Mr. Brown got up, saddled her horse, and stood at attention in the courtyard.

This atypical behavior caught the attention of the Queen as well as the not-so-impressed head of the household.

During a scolding, the question arose, “What is the word were you doing?”

His response:  “I was awaiting my orders.”

We, too, are servants in a Royal household, and I don’t think we would be remiss to learn a thing or two from Mr. Brown.

In our day, we can busy ourselves with pretty much anything – we can piddle with our cell phones, occupy ourselves with hobbies and various other distractions – while awaiting a call from the King.

Or we can take the initiative to rise every morning, dress for the occasion, and stand at attention greatly anticipating how God will use us.

Our willingness to serve and our intentional availability will likely attract some Royal attention, and we will soon find ourselves busy – not with unimportant diversions – but in assisting with the work of the King.

 

Wipe Out!

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There were tears.

Some from being scared,
Others from being embarrassed,
Perhaps a couple from being disappointed,
And maybe a few tears from the actual pain.

But otherwise, the little boy who had just wiped out on his bike during a triathlon was OK. He was understandably shaken and covered in some road rash as the by-standers gathered around him to make sure he was OK.

And he was….

that is…

…until he heard their encouragement to get back on his bike and finish the race.

At that point the tears turned into sobs.

“But you’ll regret that you didn’t finish,” someone said.
“Waaaaah!” cried the little boy.

“You can do it!” another remarked.
“Waaah Waahhh!” he cried again.

“Come on! Get back up and try again!” encouraged another.
“Waaah Waahhh! Waaaahhhhh!”

I’m not sure if the little boy actually climbed back on the bike and finished the race. Neither is my friend who recounted the story to me on a recent road trip.

And even though I wasn’t there, in my mind, I can see the people gathered around pulling him to his feet. I can see him sobbing as he wipes the gravel from his shins, and takes a deep breath as he slings a skinny knee over the seat. The sobs turn into sniffles, and as his cadence increases, so does his confidence. Before too long, the wind has dried the tears and his frown is replaced with a snaggle-toothed grin of finishing a race that he almost didn’t.

And, as I see him in my mind’s eye, I see myself.

I’ve cried a lot this year.

2012 will do that to you.

Sometimes I’ve cried because I was scared,
Other times it has been from being embarrassed.
I’ve cried a couple of times because I was disappointed.
And I’ve certainly cried a few times from the pain.

And when the tears come, I’m grateful for the by-standers in my life who huddle around me to make sure I’m OK. I’m grateful for those sweet friends – and sometimes even strangers – who know just what to say to encourage me to go on even if for a moment I want to lay on the pavement and sob.

Look around your world today. Is there someone near you that is struggling? Speak a word of encouragement to them. You never know. Your re-assuring words might be just what they need to dust themselves off and finish their race.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 

(1 Thessalonians 5:11)

Pondering Prayer

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I cringe every time I read the tag line of Kelly Minter’s bible study on Nehemiah: It took a heart that could break to repair a wall that was broken.

I mean, seriously. What were we thinking? Hasn’t 2012 been frustrating enough without adding a broken heart to the mix?

And so – in week one – I find my feathers already ruffled as we touched on the “power of prayer” by studying Nehemiah’s prayer life.

In response to hearing some troubling news about his kinsmen in Jerusalem, Nehemiah cried out to God “day and night” for four months asking God to do something.

I confess that I let out a sarcastic laugh when asked how his praying for this period of time encouraged me to keep praying for something I’ve prayed about for a long time.

A really sarcastic laugh.

Because honestly, it doesn’t encourage me.

In fact, it kind of frustrates me.

I mean, four months is a drop in the bucket compared to the length of time some of us have been praying for…

…healing
…a job
…a husband
….a broken marriage
…a prodigal son.

Decades fly by as desperate prayers go seemingly unnoticed and untouched. And the term “power of prayer” gets tossed around half-hazardly. And I’m wondering:

…do we really know what that means?
…do we really believe it?
…have we seen it?

The enigma of prayer will always elude me this side of Eden. On my darker days, I allow the tough questions to linger in my His presence:

Is it Your will?
Do You hear me?
Why do You delay?
How much longer?
Am I doing something wrong?
Am I praying for the wrong thing?
Do I not have enough faith?
Do I need more people to pray?

Nevertheless, I have shining and precious moments of clarity as I understand what C.S. Lewis meant by the words, “I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God- it changes me.”

What about you.  Have you seen the power of prayer?

Yield

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A couple of years ago, I started noticing that years were marked by specific themes in my life. For example, 2010 was the Year of Abundance. 2011 became the Year of Stretching [my faith].

Sometimes God mentions to me what the coming year will be. Other times, I pick up on patterns or themes that He repeats in my life.

With all my struggles in 2012, I’ve been wondering what this year will become.

Early on, I thought it would be the Year of Favor, but so far (and very sadly, I might add) that word just hasn’t stuck.

Perhaps it will be the Year of Perseverance or the Year of Patience. But how can those words define a year when I’m in denial that they even exist in the English language? I mean, just looking at those words makes me tired.

Then, there is the Year of Brokenness. That sounds like a winner. Doesn’t it? I guess that’s the risk you take when doing back-to-back Bible studies about shattering idols (No Other Gods) and broken hearts (Nehemiah). Thanks, Kelly Minter.

The Year of Frustration is also in the running mainly because it pretty much sums up the last 150 days (give or take a few).

And then it came to me unexpectedly the other night.

My thoughts were holding me captive as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to find me. My house is up for sale and has been for a few weeks now. I pondered in the darkness and stillness how one person could do nine years of house maintenance in just under a month. Partially proud of myself for such efficiency, and partially ashamed at my procrastination, I thought about all the work that had been done to get my sweet, cozy, little townhouse ready for her next owner.  Whomever that might be.

For weeks my weekends and evenings were consumed by…

Packing up memories and knick-knacks.
Trashing the unnecessary or the obsolete.
Temporarily relocating the functional but nonessential.
Repairing, replacing or repainting minor imperfections.
Removing weeds and re-planting.

Of course, I didn’t do all these things myself. Some friends helped me lift the heavy stuff, and professionals came in to take care of the things I didn’t have the resources or know-how to do. But it was hard work none-the-less.

And that’s when it hit me: What I had been doing to my physical surroundings, God is doing in my life.

He’s packing up memories and knick-knacks that no longer need to be hanging around my heart. He’s trashing the unnecessary and obsolete thoughts that have developed over the decades. He’s relocating things that – although, they are functional – are not essential to my walk with Him. He is slowly repairing the dents and dings that have left scars on my heart, and He’s pulling up the weeds that are choking the seeds He’s planted in my soul.

And I’m not gonna lie. This year of transition and preparation is painful. But I put my hope in knowing the tears that I’ve shed as He removes, remodels and restores me are not tears that are shed in vain. They are the tears watering the soil He is tilling so that it will yield – not just a little fruit – but a harvest.

…Let us live in awe of the Lord our God,
for he gives us rain each spring and fall,
assuring us of a harvest when the time is right. (Jer. 5:24)

Stalker

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Being single is tough. I’m not gonna lie. All you married folks probably think it is bliss to not have someone around all the time, and I get that. I do.  I relish my personal space.

However, after going through major surgery, I can assure you that nothing screams “Singleness stinks!” than not knowing who is going to take care of you when you literally cannot take care of yourself.

Singleness is tough in other ways, too. For example, there are first dates. Which are just plain awkward. And y’all know my discomfort of the inevitable DTRs.

Which brings me (sort-of) to the point of this post: Have you ever noticed that there is a fine line between being pursued and being stalked?

Perhaps an example will help.

If a guy you like gives you flowers or leaves sweet notes on your car in the mornings, it is endearing.

If a guy you do not like gives you flowers or leaves sweet notes on your car in the mornings, it is stalking.

See what I mean?

Fine line.

You’re either completely flattered or totally freaked out.

Today, I find myself – not being pursued by a guy (sadly) – but being pursued by God.

It started out endearing. (Doesn’t it always?) But now it’s just ridiculous.

After Wednesday’s God nod to just stay the course, I was speechless and in awe. It was so sweet for God to speak to me so specifically.

I even found it endearing on Thursday when my friends’ suggestions about what to say to someone left me unsettled, and God reminded me through Frances Chan’s book Forgotten God that “the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what needs to be said” and “don’t worry in advance about what to say. Just say what God tells you at the time, for it is not you who will be speaking, but the Holy Spirit (Luke 12:12; Mark 13:11).”

However, things started to get a bit awkward when I was mourning my behavior at the grocery store on Friday where I might have growled at one of the many Grace Stretchers I encountered. I didn’t expect such a prompt answer from God when I prayed for Him to change my heart full of judgment to one full of compassion. But lo and behold that’s what I got when my bible study dealt with that very issue complete with a lovely promise from Ezekiel: “I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh” (v. 17:19).

Feelings of endearment started to fade into discomfort on Saturday when I found myself envious of the way William Wallace looked at Murron in Braveheart, and moments later, I read a story about someone’s romanticization being interrupted by a not-so-glamourous request from her hubs. God’s lesson to her was the same to me: get caught up in the regular moments of life not in the ones that don’t exist.

Which brings us to the all-out stalking of today.

I shared some hard feelings with God this morning on the way to work. And frankly, I didn’t want to hear about his love, kindness, faithfulness, hope and forgiveness. In fact, I am doubting those very things, and I am perfectly okay with that. It is just one of those days where I want to pout because I’m not getting my way.

But God…well, God is still pursuing me. He is everywhere that I go. And it is starting to feel less endearing and more like stalking.

I said, “This is impossible. I want to give up” and found this staring me in the face.

 

Did you notice the date? God left it for me months ago on the desk of a lady I only met today.  (Don’t you just love that God is sovereign even over someone flipping a calendar page?)

I prayed: “I want to know that You do, indeed, reward those who earnestly seek you,” and I stumbled across this on the internet while doing unrelated research:

 

I don’t know Linda, but I appreciate her thoughts from September 4, 2008. Even if I am a little creeped out by them.

I pleaded with God: “Do something! I don’t feel like you are doing anything!” and was met with my internet home page:

So, you can imagine my utter and totally surrender that the stalking would not stop when I cried out: “I need your help. Will you not come to my rescue?” and God shouted Psalm 121 from the pages of my bible study:

I look up to the mountains—
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!

I’m wondering if this is what David felt like when he penned the words:

“I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there” (Psalm 139:7-8).

Indeed, David. Indeed.

 

Just Stay

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I am sitting at Starbuck’s on my lunch break. This isn’t my usual place to have lunch which is evidenced by my surprise that there is a guy here in jeans and flip-flops enjoying what could in all probability be his usual morning cup of Joe at one o’clock in the afternoon. At least that is the story that I made up in my head about him.

I’ve deviated from my usual routine for two reasons: it is a beautiful day outside and my car needed to be washed before I head to the beach tomorrow.

You might wonder why I chose to wash my car before heading to the beach, and I have one word for you: pride. I was just too ashamed for my friend, Lil, to see the dog hair and dirt that has accumulated from having a very rambunctious lab who lives to be in some sort of wet medium which hopefully is a nearby lake but is often a mud puddle.

As my car is being washed, I thought I’d catch up on some bible study. Me and the peeps are wrapping up the last couple of weeks of Kelly Minter’s study No Other Gods. I’m kind of weary of waiting for God on a particular issue right now that, frankly, just seems impossible.

Focusing on my bible study, Kelly begins to recount a football game she went to recently. She convinced her friend to leave the game early because it was apparent from the score that their team was going to lose. As they left the stands she remarked about how silly the fans were in the stadium for holding out hope that they could make a comeback.

I’m sure you can see where this is going, but for the record…

When she got home later that night, she was met with “You’ll never believed what happened!” Turns out…her team ended up making a comeback and winning the game.

She writes: “And only crazy committed fans whom I pitied on the way out got to enjoy it. They were loyal and unflinching in their dedication. But mostly, they just stayed.”

So that was God’s message to me. Just stay the course, Nikol.  Just stay.

Coincidentally, a lyric from a song playing over the speakers caught my attention in a jaw-dropping way:

Just don’t give up
I’m working it out
Please don’t give in
I won’t let you down…

Wow! I live for clear God-moments like this. I shall weep now.