Reflections

Confession:  I love true crime stories.  They are oddly fascinating. In a different life, I would be a forensic psychologist if only I’d done something with my Psychology degree.

I stumbled on Psychology late in college.  I was surprisingly good at it – exceptional, actually – if I am allowed to brag a bit.

I love trying to figure out exactly why people do the things they do – even ordinary day-to-day people. In all actuality, I probably spend too much time thinking about such things.  However, this is where my fascination with criminals in general comes in.

I want to know when what they did becomes their plan A.

When does killing someone, or stealing, or what-have-you become their best option?

When does that seem like a good idea?

At what point do you make that choice?

It’s baffling, really.

With all that being said, you’ll understand why the podcast, Criminal, caught my attention (http://thisiscriminal.com).

Before you jump to the same conclusions I did: don’t.  It is not what you think it is about – how someone committed a crime or how they caught the perpetrator.  There is some of that, but really, it’s just a collection of quirky little stories about people who are criminals, were criminals, or were impacted by criminals.

The episode I listened to yesterday affected me on some deeper level I haven’t yet uncovered.

It is episode 49:  The Editor.  Criminal’s website sums it up best:

In November of 1988, Robin Woods was sentenced to sixteen years in the notoriously harsh Maryland Correctional Institution. In prison, Robin found himself using a dictionary to work his way through a book for the first time in his life. It was a Mario Puzo novel. While many inmates become highly educated during their incarceration, Robin became such a voracious and careful reader he was able to locate a factual error in Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Encyclopedia. He wrote a letter to the encyclopedia’s editor, beginning an intricate friendship that changed the lives of both men¹.

I was touched by this story for many reasons.  For one, Robin [the convict] and the encyclopedia editor became pen pals of sorts even after he was out of prison.  But that is just the beginning…

Robin went from not being able to read to not being able to read enough.

He was formally uneducated but became more educated than many people simply by reading – to the point he could fact-check an encyclopedia.

It is a story of beautiful ironies, of redemption, of second chances, and of generosity, kindness, and loyalty – all while he was in prison.  It’s as if prison held his body captive, but at the same time it freed his mind and opened doors to a world he might otherwise not know.

Perhaps I’m stunned by it because it is in stories and ironies like these where I see God’s hand and His grand design of working good through pain – even if it goes largely unnoticed. It is the grandest of things aside from salvation that He does.

I’m so thankful He is the kind of God who knows better than us – who uses our pain to transform us and accomplish something better.  He never leaves us as we are even in spite of ourselves.

¹Judge, Pheobe (Producer); Spohrer, Lauren (Producer). (2016, August 26). Criminal [Audio podcast]. Retrieved from http://thisiscriminal.com.

I haven’t blogged in 6 months.  That’s shameful.  I also haven’t taken down my Christmas decorations either.  (I’ll sit here for a minute while you judge.)

But I HAD to blog today because today is a blog-worthy day.

For almost 2 decades, I have pounded on the floor of God’s throne room for this day to come. I have…

shed an ocean of tears,
experienced heartbreak,
wondered why,
and wanted to give up countless times,
but God gives us the desires of our hearts.

Some people think that verse means God gives to us whatever our heart desires. It is God in the fast food drive-thru. Others think – when we are in a place of right fellowship with God – His desires become ours, and thereby He gives us the desires of our hearts.

I think the latter is very true, but there is another option.

I know with all my heart that God gave me the desire to be a married. It wasn’t something I, personally, wanted. It was something He innately created within me to crave. I’ve wanted to be a wife…a mom…to be a helper…a partner. He GAVE it to me just like he gave the desire for a son to Hannah and Sarah, or the desire He gives teachers to teach, or doctors to heal.

God places inside us the desire He has for us in our hearts. He gives us that want…that drive….that yearning…and the perseverance to keep pushing…to keep praying…to not give up hope when the fulfillment eludes us.

And – the bigger the dream – the more likely we’ll have to wait for it – because in order to be good at it and to give God the glory He deserves, we have things to learn.

In my case, I had a lot of growing up to do.

I was afraid of my own shadow in my 20s.

I learned that the world isn’t a scary place.
I learned how to be a professional in the workplace:
how to pay my dues,
how to work hard and diligently at any task assigned to me whether I liked it or not.

I had to stand on my own in my late 20s learning the finer points of…
home buying,
house keeping,
paying bills (aka adulting).

I had to learn to like my own company, and I found out that I really like my sense of humor.

I also had to learn how to be lonely.

Jesus often withdrew to lonely places. So, don’t feel sorry for me. That’s where I found Him.

In my 30s, I learned that life is FUN.

I learned that I could run, and swim and bike.
I learned that I could physically cover 70.3 miles in one day under my own physical power.
I learned that I loved the outdoors.
I learned how to paint pottery.
I learned how to knit.
I learned I love writing.
In a nutshell, I learned I could be creative, mentally tough, and physically strong.

I learned to love and accept people that were very different from me.
I learned about giving and receiving grace.
I learned that not all girls are full of drama and even the ones that are, are worth loving.

But the most important thing I learned in the waiting is that God is very real and very personal and that He is near all the time.

He whispers daily.
He shouts occasionally.
I find Him best when I am quiet and still.

I learned that His Word is a treasure, and that – for some unknown and unforeseen reason – I have the ability to teach it.

I learned that He loves me more than I could possibly imagine and more than anyone on this earth possibly could, and because of that love, He used all this time to train me, and to turn me into the person I needed to be in order to be a wife…a partner…a helper…and someone who loves Him more than I love him.

God works His purposes out over time…and He does, indeed, give us the desires of our hearts.

So, at the age of 42:

I’m going to the chapel,
and I’m gonna get married.

And God blessed me with a husband that is ABUNDANTLY more than I could’ve asked or imagined.

Hallelujah! Glory to God!

Then Jacob said to Joseph, “I never thought I would see your face again, but now God has let me see your children, too!”  – Genesis 48:11

I’ve always loved the story of Joseph.  He is one of my favorites.

Often, I have put myself in his sandals wondering if my behavior would be similar to his given the same circumstance.

Let’s be clear:  I am quite positive it would not be.

Today, I put myself in Jacob’s sandals.  Today, I imagined myself in the sandals of a man who lost someone he loved more than anything.

It isn’t hard to imagine what that is like.  Nearly everyone has experienced that particular heartbreak whether it is losing someone you love through death, divorce, or disagreement.   If you haven’t experienced it..well…you just haven’t lived long enough… because it will come.

It is inevitable.

But look what God does!  Read Jacob’s words:

I never thought I would see your face again, but now God has let me see your children, too!

I wept when I read those word.

Wept.

I’m not talking about a glistening tear rolling softly down my cheek.  I’m talking about body shaking, face-contorted, ugly-girl weeping.

Why?

Because Jacob thought his son was dead.

Dead.

Not-coming-back-ever-dead.

Yet God restored abundantly more than Jacob could think or imagine.

And I think He still does.

It might take years of waiting…
years of growing…
years of mourning…
years of praying…
and it might not look exactly the way we expect (or want)…

but we have a God that restores!

He fills in the holes others leave behind, and He does it in the most surprising ways and usually when we least expect it.  Just ask Job.

Restoration & healing are what He does best.
It’s His thing.
He makes all things new!

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. – Rev. 21:1

And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” – Rev. 21:5

If He will do that for the earth, don’t you think He can do that for you?